TOP 20 MOVIE FAT GUYS

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This is a reproduction from TheShizNit.co.uk

20. GLUTTONY from SE7EN
Kicking off our list of fabulous fat guys is this unfortunate fellow, who shall remain nameless aside from the deadly sin he represents – well, with a gut like his, he was never going to be lust, was he? Gluttony is discovered by Officers Mills and Somerset, face down in a bowl of spaghetti, sitting stone dead in his own piss and shit – it’s hardly a dignified way to go, but bear in mind he was forced to chow down at gunpoint by Kevin Spacey’s cold-eyed nutjob, who just couldn’t bear to see such a mountain of a man take another breath. “A disgusting man,” he ranted, “who, if you saw him on the street, you’d point him out to your friends so they could join you in mocking him.” This coming from the guy who cuts his fingertips off.

19. THE PENGUIN from BATMAN RETURNS
Of all the foes Batman faced, The Penguin was the least physically impressive – forget about going toe-to-toe with the Dark Knight, poor old Oswald Cobblepot looks like he’d be defeated by a flight of stairs. Give him a break though, it’s not his fault he’s so tubby – if you were born with flippers and a beak, you’d probably turn to comfort eating too. Crazed by vengeance, The Penguin is a few parasols short of an umbrella stand, dressing in a top hat and monocle (despite living in the sewer – hardly The Ritz) and driving around in a giant yellow duck. Oswald must have wished his dad had fucked an ostrich instead; at least he could have hidden his head in the sand. Like his flightless arctic friends though, all that blubber must have come in handy in the Winter.

18. BOB PARR from THE INCREDIBLES
There is a reason you don’t see many fat superheroes: lycra is not kind to the burly gentleman. However, what better disguise for the retired superhero in hiding than a gigantic pot-belly? Anyone with half a brain could clock Clark Kent looked like Superman in spectacles, but Bob Parr is about as far from Incredible as it gets. Working 9-5 in a buttoned-down insurance office, his super-strength is wasted filing invoices and screwing old ladies (not like that, you understand) until he gets the offer of a lifetime to squeeze into his super-suit once more. It takes one hell of a workout to get him back to buff superhero requirements, but he can’t get rid of his spare tyre completely – he’s just big boned, okay? You have to feel for Bob’s wife during the lovemaking – with a guy his size, it’s a good thing she’s known as Elastigirl.

17. DAVID "LARDASS" HOGAN from STAND BY ME
When Gordy sits down and tells the rest of the gang the story of David ‘Lardass’ Hogan, you know it’s going to be good. Lardass was a kid so large, that even his tent-like clothing bursts at the seams trying to contain the flab within. Needless to say, a weight-orientated nickname was always on the cards, but Lardass knew what he had to do – seek revenge in the grossest way possible. Before entering the tri-county Pie-Eating Content, he necked a bottle of castor oil and cracked a raw egg in his mouth before scoffing countless blueberry pies. Before long, a rumble like the sound of Satan’s own bum-gut preceded a jet of Lardass’s purple projectile vomit, until the entire crowd joined in the barf-a-rama (Mayor Grundy even barfed on his wife’s tits). Chow down, wide load!

16. DYNAMO from THE RUNNING MAN
Back when Arnie had about as much political power as a small electric toaster, he was an innocent man and fighting for his life on killer TV show The Running Man. One of his many foes, Dynamo might not have been the most lithe stalker on the show, but he was certainly the most flamboyant. Dressed from head-to-toe in unflattering armour covered in ‘futuristic’ circuitry, the opera-singing psycho was kitted out in flashing LEDs - such bright lights were a necessity, as Dynamo’s fat ass did have a tendency to block out the sun should he ever bend over. Arnie was quick to pick up on his opponent’s beefy demeanour, labelling him ‘light bulb’ and ‘Christmas tree’ before he puts his lights out, but he might not have been so quick with the insults if he knew the actor who played him was to die of heart failure later that year.

15. JABBA THE HUTT from RETURN OF THE JEDI
Despite being so voluminous he almost doesn’t fit in our picture, here we have a guy who hasn’t let his XXL size get him down. As a young… err, space slug, Jabba received all the playground bullying you’d expect, but it only made him stronger. Growing up, he threw himself into his crime, and it paid off big time – Jabba the Hutt is now one of the most feared intergalactic crime lords in the galaxy and will vaporise anyone who so much as looks at him funny. His self-confidence has grown so much, he’s even got himself a harem of skinny Earth girlfriends, who love to caress his slimy folds and whisper sweet nothings into his… um, ears. Jabba is such a badass, rather than waste time firing his insolent employees, he simply devours them whole – no fuss, no paperwork and they’re extremely low in cholesterol.

14. MINNESOTA FATS from THE HUSTLER
Like darts, poker and karaoke, pool is one of those sports that welcomes the hefty gentleman – when it comes to playing sticks, you can be the size of a house and still sink your balls like a pro. Just as well, because Fast Eddie’s main rival is a big fellow – Minnesota Fats isn’t some ironic nickname like ‘Tiny’. A big guy who’s out of shape, Fats shoots a mean game of pool and certainly gives Paul Newman’s big-time hustler a run for his money; although stopping short of blood and tears, he certainly puts his sweat into each and every game whenever he steps up to the green baize. In one marathon 25-hour pool session, Fats skips at least a dozen hot meals while playing – it’s a miracle he doesn’t start eating the chalk.

13. WHITE GOODMAN from DODGEBALL
White Goodman is better than you, and he knows it, but he wasn’t always a gleaming physical specimen and all-round Adonis - no, White used to be a human blob. However, White understood that fatness was a genetic disorder (like baldness and necrophilia) and started shedding pounds, building up his GloboGym empire in the process. Upon getting embarrassed by Vince Vaughn at the Las Vegas Dodgeball open (no body beautiful himself), White falls back into the old routines and gorges himself on donut after donut until he’s his former, whale-like self. A pissed-off, fattened-up Goodman then addresses the audience after the credits with a fine performance of Kelis’ ‘Milkshake’, using his own meaty udders as visual aids. Fatty make a funny? He did indeed.

12. JAKE LA MOTTA from RAGING BULL
Martin Scorsese’s 1980’s opus is easily the best boxing movie ever made: De Niro’s protagonist Jake La Motta floats around the ring like a twinkle-toed ballerina when compared to Rocky Balboa’s knuckle-headed palooka. When his career winds down however, La Motta piles on the pounds in no small amount, canning the boxing for a life as an amateur stand-up comedian and restaurant owner. De Niro gained a record 60lbs to incredible effect: watching a shambling, pie-faced La Motta letch over underage girls and trundle out lame gags made his fall from grace all the more devastating. He coulda been a contender, but in his twilight years, the only thing he’d be succeeding in would be hotdog eating contests.

11. FAT BASTARD from the AUSTIN POWERS movies
You have to feel sorry for poor old Fat Bastard: he weighs a metric tonne, he’s Scottish and he’s ginger – now that’s being dealt a shitty hand in life. A self-styled “big fat slob”, FB is one of many familiar-looking enemies of British agent Austin Powers, although it’s hard to see how a man with more chins than a Chinese phonebook could stand up to a groovy Judo chop. The reason for his morbid obesity? Self-loathing. On the verge of tears, he reveals “I eat because I’m unhappy… and I’m unhappy because I eat,” before blowing it all – quite literally – by punctuating his solemn declaration with a squidgy fart. He was successful in losing weight – last time we saw him, he he’d dropped several belt sizes, although he did suffer the embarrassing side effect of having a neck that looked like a vagina.

10. PRESTON LACY from the JACKASS movies
It’s obvious to many that the Jackass boys don’t have much in the way of dignity left, but if human butter-ball Preston Lacy has an ounce of shame left, it’s hidden under one of his many folds of flab. Always willing to shake that ass in the name of gross entertainment, Preston knows his place in the Jackass hierarchy – he’s the big fat guy, and he’ll strip to his pants or be swung from a crane without a moment’s hesitation. Lacy forms a quaint double-act with tiny tyke Wee Man, using their vast differences in size to great comedic effect. One recent stunt involved the little fella bungeeing off a bridge with only Preston’s weight keeping him from an undignified end – Wee Man surely looked death square in the face when the big man plummeted towards him as they both spiralled towards the water.

9. MR. CREOSOTE from MONTY PYTHON’S MEANING OF LIFE
With a gut so vast it should be carried around in a wheelbarrow, Mr. Creosote is clearly a man not concerned with physical appearance, nor is he concerned about losing any of those excess pounds. His secret is the Fatkins Diet – eat as much as you want, and vomit your troubles away! Spewing jets of rancid spew left right and centre like the kid from the Exorcist in a tux, Mr. Creosote settles down at his favourite restaurant, orders the entire menu (“with eggs on top”) and wages war on his waistline. Even several buckets full of the finest cuisine can’t quell his appetite – it’s the tiniest, most slender ‘waffer-thin’ mint that forces his intestines to tango. The results are devastating: the entire restaurant is showered in his putrid insides, patrons retching all over the place, with the bare bones of Mr. Creosote left facing a no doubt astronomical bill.

8. DENNIS NEDRY from JURASSIC PARK
There’s a chap like him in every I.T. department – glutinous, cocksure and always found at the vending machines – but Dennis Nedry had a few tricks up his extra-large sleeves. The big one of course, was using his hacker skillz to bring Jurassic Park to its knees so he could smuggle out dino DNA, no doubt using his reward to live out his days in a Twinkie-filled paradise. “What a complete slob!” says Sam Jackson’s pissed off co-worker, sweeping what looks like several months-worth of fast food containers off his desk, unaware it’s actually just breakfast. While a digital Nedry laughs it up at the poor unfortunates tasked with getting the park’s fences back online, the real Nedry is going mano-a-dino with his scaly nemesis. Sadly, it’s the mother of all mismatches – in the battle between short-sighted tubster and venom-spitting Dilophosaurus, there was only ever going to be one winner.

7. ED from SHAUN OF THE DEAD
With the best opening line of anyone on this list (“Can I get any of you cunts a drink?”) Ed might be boorish and obnoxious, but as best mates go, you can’t beat him – he’s the Cornetto-eating slob that seems fused to the sofa and is always up for another round of Tekken 2 and Apple Schnapps. He’s perhaps not the ideal partner to fight off hordes of the undead (unless they’re affected by his unholy farts) but Ed can always be counted on to lighten the mood, whether it’s by dancing the electric boogaloo or doing his impression of Clyde from Every Which Way But Loose. When the zombie masses prove too much for our salad-dodging friend, he unfortunately succumbs and becomes a brainless, shuffling, disgusting beast. Which, it has to be said, is something of an improvement.

6. DEL GRIFFITH from PLANES, TRAINS AND AUTOMOBILES
John Hughes’ 1987 comedy pits John Candy as Steve Martin’s annoying travel-mate, determined to get him home for Thanksgiving. Thinking back, Del is the one who has the real rough ride – who the fuck wants to share a cab with Steve Martin? Always dressed in an awful wardrobe – layer after layer of mismatched sweaters and sports coats – he looks like a paedophile in the nicest possible way, but always comes through for the man he wronged. Sure, he might not be the first guy you’d want to share a bed with (“Those aren’t pillows…”) but his heart is in the right place, and compared to Martin’s uptight businessman, he’s an oversized saint in disguise. Del gets his man home safely and goes his own way, but we’re always left wondering what happens to the stocky shower ring salesman – we’d like to think he’s somewhere with a big smile on his face, singing ‘Meet the Flintstones’.

5. CHUNK from THE GOONIES
Lawrence ‘Chunk’ Cohen not only has the honour of being the youngest fatty on our list, but he’s also the only entrant to have his own dance. The almighty Truffle Shuffle - often imitated, never better – is a legendary piece of film history: watching little Chunk ripple his flabby frame is eerily hypnotic. The Goonie least likely to get into an adventure that involves a trip further than the refrigerator, Chunk nonetheless tags along with the rest of the gang, but is captured by the heinous Fratellis and forced to spill the beans about how he once threw fake puke over a cinema audience. Hurrrgh! Hurrrgh! HURRRGH! It’s here where he forms a formidable partnership with hideous man-child Sloth, bonding over chocolate and eventually saving the day like only the oddest double-acts can. Chunk also gains bonus points for his Hawaiian shirt / perm combo – essential attire for the obese gentleman du jour.

4. BOB from FIGHT CLUB
There’s no polite way of putting this – Bob has breasts. These aren’t just your run of the mill, standard issue man-boobs, these are gigantic, steroid-fulled, basketball-sized bazongas. Robert Paulson was a champion bodybuilder until it all went tits up; it wasn’t until Fight Club re-awoke his primal urges that Bob felt like a man again. Imagine squaring up to an opponent such as him! Before you can decide whether it’s morally acceptable to punch a man in the bitch tits, there’s 300 lbs of meaty gristle on top of you faster than a bat out of hell. Bob’s a sweetheart really, but do be careful – if he offers you one of his trademark bear hugs and you get lost between those gigantic shirt potatoes of his, you may not be found for weeks. Meat Loaf was never going to win slimmer of the year, but Bob literally takes the cake.

3. SILENT BOB from the KEVIN SMITH movies
One skinny and blonde, the other not so much, Jay and Silent Bob are like the Laurel and Hardy of the new millennium, only instead of getting into mildly comical scrapes, they get high. A lot. The heavier half of cinema’s crudest double act, Silent Bob hides his tonnes of fun underneath a tent-like trenchcoat, but that doesn’t stop his pothead partner picking on his paunch – you don’t get a nickname like lunchbox by being thin. Luckily for Bob, he’s as wise as he is wide and can always be counted on to spout various gobs of wisdom, like a miniature Buddha, covered in hair. Give him credit too, at least he gets plenty of exercise; he can always be found dancing to his boombox outside the local convenience store, still desperate to fulfil his dream of being a dancer in Vegas. Now that’s got to be a gig worse than a donkey show.

2. PRIVATE PYLE from FULL METAL JACKET
Oh, Leonard… joining the US Army was never going to be the smartest move for a chap of your size, was it? A 10ft man crammed into a 6ft body, it’s hard to picture an awkward beast like Private Pyle taking out Vietnamese snipers on the battlefield. These are sentiments echoed by Gunnery Drill Sergeant Hartman, who wastes no time in obliterating his self-esteem, calling him a “slimy fuckin’ walrus-looking piece of shit” before threatening to skull fuck him. Even his fellow soldiers turn on him, battering him with soap bars in socks like they were tenderising steak, all because the fat fuck wanted a jelly donut. Such torment proved too much for Leonard as he blew his head off with a rifle – you have to feel for him, but not as much as the poor bastards tasked with cleaning up the piles of Pyle he leaves behind.

1. JOHN 'BLUTO' BLUTARSKY from ANIMAL HOUSE
In the years before Animal House, tubby college guys generally convened to play role-playing games and eat cheesy poofs. Ever since Jon Belushi’s beer-swilling Bluto tore up the silver screen, you can always count on there being an oversized jock at every house party, bellowing as loud as his over-sized lungs will allow, shotgunning brewskis like a jackass and baring acres of mountainous flesh. This man is a God! See Bluto pile his tray full of food at the school cafeteria, shoving pastries into his mouth like a starving African! Watch his stirring speech as he rallies his troops in inter-dorm war! Marvel at his impression of a zit, complete with gratuitous pus explosion! With a fine line in wild-eyed stares and raucous laughter, Bluto is the original big fat party guy, and if you don’t like it, then you can just kiss his ass from now on.