MOVIE PRESIDENTS

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(This is a recreation from GIANT Magazine, written by Sean Seppuku)

Bill Pullman
Independence Day
Granted, his Homeland Security Department really should have spent more time planning for the possibility of alien invasion—did we learn nothing from Mars Attacks?—but when the chips were down, he got in his jet and took care of business. Dubya was totally thinking of him when he planned that ridiculous “Mission Accomplished” aircraft carrier landing.

Harrison Ford
Air Force One
While in real life our presidents tend to be scrawny (James Madison), tubby (William Howard Taft), or outright paralyzed (Frankie D.), in our films they’re ready to scrap. Harrison Ford one-ups Pullman by actually using his First Fists to defend the U.S.A. (or, at least, a plane that belongs to the U.S.A.), proving that Americans don’t want a great visionary so much as someone who’ll have their backs in a bar fight.

Kevin Kline
Dave
We get two Presidents for the price of one, the first of whom is a hornier version of George Bush Take 1 while the other is a sweet-natured presidential impersonator who accidentally takes his place and promptly gets the national debt under control by (get ready!) hiring an accountant. But he’s willing to fake a stroke for the good of the country (and Ben Kingsley), as long as he gets to keep bedding Sigourney Weaver. The strongest argument yet for electing Dana Carvey.

Michael Douglas
The American President
America’s both fascinated and frightened by the prospect of a single guy in office, likely because we know a man on the prowl will always put getting laid above the greater national interest (”My fellow Americans, I know you think it’s odd that I’m banning meat, but I assure you it has nothing to do with the fact that I’m nailing that hippy vegan chick”). We watch Michael Douglas fall in love with Annette Benning, though sadly the film cut the original ending where she dumps him and he orders the IRS to audit her every hour on the hour.

Does it matter?
In the Line of Fire
Secret Service agent Clint Eastwood will give his life for this man, but unlike with JFK won’t help him score any ass (which is the true sign a leader has won the hearts of his followers). Endlessly pushed around by a campaign manager who insists on squeezing in every political rally possible, this POTUS is an empty suit and utterly forgettable character…and therefore probably the most accurate portrayal of the men who occupy the presidency ever captured on film.

Jack Lemmon, James Garner, Dan Aykroyd
My Fellow Americans
This movie outdoes Dave by giving us three presidents, including a stupid former president played by Jack Lemmon, a slightly less stupid former president played by James Garner, and an incumbent played by Dan Aykroyd whose administration’s sole policy seems to be destroying his predecessors. Watch your back, Gerald Ford.


Peter Sellers
Dr. Strangelove
A thoughtful, patient man, President Merkin Muffley showed an impressive willingness to negotiate with the Soviet leader, even when Dimitri was completely hammered out of his gullova and wouldn’t turn down the stereo. Undoubtedly our funniest President ever (he was named after a pubic wig, after all), he’ll sadly be best remembered for accidentally triggering a nuclear war that wiped out humanity. History can be so unfair.

Morgan Freeman
Deep Impact
The man’s played God, so President can’t be much of a stretch. When he discovers a comet is on a collision course with Earth, President Freeman has to make a tough decision and picks 800,000 random people by lottery to hide in caves to later repopulate the Earth (since it’s Morgan Freeman telling you, you can’t really get overly upset). Mr. President, are you sure you wouldn’t want to choose women based on their physical characteristics…

Dennis Haysbert
24
The biggest, blackest, baddest President ever to whup ass on the big or small screen. A shame we can never get a real candidate of his caliber in office—where the hell are you people on Election Day?